This is it. I am graduating. I will never be in High School. I am done with TCIS forever.

For many reasons, though, this does not make me feel good at all. I'm too emotionally attached to this school.

It's so overwhelming. I've been here for five years and I just can't imagine myself not coming back here after summer.

I'm going to miss every single thing about my high school life. I seriously will.

The sad thing is everything will become a memory and nothing more. There won't be anything tangible for me to keep.

I really hope that I could remember every single moment I shared with my friends but I can't.

It really sucks because I won't meet some of my classmates ever in my life again. But these are the people that I shared parts of my life with- it seems too cruel that I won't ever see them again. I don't want to admit, but there will be a day when I see some of my friends online on MSN and I won't even bother to talk to them because I'm not attached to them anymore. This is what scares me the most. Losing them, and yet, not being sad about it.

It seems like yesterday when I came to this school for the first time and cried my eyes out because I hated it. I never thought I would hate leaving this place. I said it so many times that I wanted to graduate. Now, I really feel sorry for not allowing myself to see what  a great place and community this is and what great time I had here.

Someday, I will be a grown up and I desperately hope that even by then, I would still love my High School friends.

It was really disappointing when I heard Mr.Armentrout saying that most of the people never keep in touch with their highschool friends. I'm guessing that will happen to all of us.

So I say, let's enjoy this moment. The last moment we share. Although I can't believe that I will never see you guys ever again, and although this really incredibly upsets me, I have to accept the change and move on.

But it is really hard.

so here goes another entry

so... i got myself a facebook and im not liking it because its like a freakin stalker

SOMEBODY DID THIS AND SOMEBODY DID THAT

its simply freaky. i don't want to know who left what message to whom unless it involves me (yes im very self-centered). oh and do people really know 5,623,452,310 ppl? i dont understand those who have that many "friends"

so i'm still waiting from a response from Sheridan. The longer i wait, the more i realize that's the school i really want to go to. but i think i was better off when i didn't have a "dream college" b/c im getting a little too anxious about the result.

Well, so i've been thinking about how to end my high skool year in a healthy and non-regrettable way. but i just cant seem to act it out.

getting a totally awesome grade doesn't seem to be the answer. its like studying hard is out of option. or it is one of options and i dont choose to have a good grade?

its so great to know that after my last spring break as a highskoolwer ends, i'll be working my butt off for things that nobody seems to care like senior retreat and our last senior coffeehouse/senior concert.

i cant believe that i wanted to be a senior rep. As a "leader" i gotta be happy at the retreat and be like "oh my gosh this is so fun!" and fake my enthusiasm if things get really boring and listen to every single complains over and over again.

BUT

Little Women is coming up and im super excited. im really glad i get to finish off my drama days like this.

im always thinking how lucky i am for getting the roles i want. i sometimes get confused b/c i know there are some ppl who think certain ppl get certain roles b/c theyr mrs.Z's "babies" but i decided screw them whtever i earned the roles.

i just talked to christine unnie. i guess parsons is driving her nuts but as she was saying gbye to me she said "i'll see ya at the graduation!" and it really hit me that IM GRADUATING WOOHOO!! now those who have been there done that dont laugh at me cuz i know u guyz were doing/saying the exact same thing

im just really amazed how time flies... too fast that it scares me

so again..my trail of thoughts has left me in the middle of nowhere. i have no conclusion.

so here i am....3:54 in the morning not being able to sleep joy.

i abandonded my xanga for so long that i feel lyke its my duty to update now lol im a little cynical and sarcastic rite now cuz i just cant sleep

well...not much to say its not like ppl are using xanga anymore because of myspace but yeah

i finally realized that i habnt done anything.. i habnt started my research, and i totally forgot about the essay that i have to write for history....

gosh i just want to play and do nothing during summer without feeling pressured, thinking that someday im gonna have to finish all the work...

speaking of skool im a senior now haha. i noe for sure the year is gonna pass by so quickly then i'll be going off to college. wow.

college...ah yes...i have no idea what college i want to go to and what college prefers what SAT 2 subjects...i absolutely have no information about anything while all my friends are like total experts. i guess im not feeling in my bones that im a senior now and soon i'll be writing my college application. but im not excited.

i feel absolutely lost and hopeless. this is a big deal. my mom's been nagging for a whole yr now...lol (she started to talk about college and SATs ever since the beginning of my junior yr..) wow...its kina sad that im really not excited for the last yr of my highskool.

but the thing is tcis can never be the exciting place. with all the overly paranoid and self-conscious ppl around....nah i noe no matter how hard i try i'll never have fun. fun meaning just ordinary everyday goofy fun. not partying and drinking cuz u can do that any time u want in ur life. u cant just laugh for no reason at work with ur co workers when ur an adult...

see the thing is i've never felt like i was part of tcis EVER. never in my tcis life have i ever felt like omg my skool rocks.

i seriously think those who visit tcis like EVERY SINGLE break are the ones who just cant get over their highskool yrs and can't get along in college. but i'll never know that until i really go to college..so yeah whtever..

why do i hate my skool so much? well... basically all students hate their skool when theyr in highskool... but yeah tcis....has more definite reasons than "just because."

tcis is where there is no diversity. punks are very rare. there are like several goth wannabes but yeah they just look funny to me. 99.999% of the skool population is either fobs or preppy kids.. hmm wht else. o yeah everybody needs to own at least like dozen of freakishly expensive purse....and.... being rich is a given (and so are their spolied minds) and.... o yeah those lovely students who go to mission trip for shopping.....and the students are the least christian-like ppl despite our skool's name. oh and endless back stabbing and dissing behind other's back

to be fair, i guess i should try to find some good things about my skool..

extra curriculum. not sports because we lose all the time. but like drama. i would have never set my foot on stage if i didnt go to tcis. i really think it would have been almost impossible for me to get a single role if i were still in the states...friendly teachers. i've never met teachers with such care like mrs.Z and ms.becca (am i spelling her name rite? lol)...and mission trip (for good purpose not for shopping) not many skool offers mission trip to students so it is a rare chance....hmmm...uhhh...IB? hahha yeah rite. only for bryan oh. hahahaha

welll..despite all these good aspects i still refuse to love my skool because i never felt like i was a part of it... this skool made me lose my real personality. i used to be more free and less critical about others stupid behavior. ppl here are experts at dissing others for goofying around. ah gosh...i just want to get out. let me out let me out seriously let me out